LushMommy's DO NOT DRINK List

First inductee:

Polska Vodka.

This cheap-ass rubbing alcohol fucked me up royally last night. I still taste its toxic haze in the back of my throat and nose even 24 hours after consuming it. When I examined the refreshments table at the party, I thought Polska was quality because it came in a Grey Goose-esque frosted glass bottle (I later discovered it really costs a bargain basement price of $12.99 for 1 liter). It's been so long since I've felt this close to blacking out from drinking. It was déjà vu all over again and it freaked me out.

The last time was 8 years ago, when I drank at home in MD another stock vodka in a plastic bottle. The last thing I remember was being in my kitchen; I didn't realize I'd passed out in my hallway, where I was found naked in a pool of my own vomit. I was rushed to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning and had to swallow charcoal in order to throw up supposed aspirin I threatened to take during this raging-drunk suicide attempt, all of which I do not recall.

The only time I ever tried to commit suicide caused by cheap vodka. I ain't goin' out like that. I swore since then to avoid all vodkas that come in plastic bottles. Now I am expanding the embargo to all vodka brands that cannot afford a billboard advertisement.

Shopping Tips for Vodka: TOP SHELF ONLY. Now that's out of the way, choosing among reputable brands becomes, as I often say, a matter of taste. Another personal anecdote: one night, a couple of months ago, I ordered a vodka tonic while talking to this Tibetan* guy I met at a local bar. Apparently he was a regular there and had some cache with the bar maid, and trying to impress me, he told her to make it with Grey Goose. I interjected, "No, no, Ketel One." That is my number one choice. Second is Stolichnaya, especially its different flavors. Belvedere if I'm feeling ultra-luxe. Tanqueray makes an excellent vodka too, which I loved even before coming to appreciate its more famous gin.

I don't believe the hype either. My opinion: Grey Goose is overrated, Absolut's reputation is more indebted to its legendary advertising campaign than its actual product, and Skyy is just a slickly-packaged crap domestic brand. Okay, your opinion can differ. But whatever, to each their own.

*I refer to him as the "Tibetan" guy not to generalize Tibetan people. The reason is I tried to pick his brain about Buddhism in his homeland but every time he'd pull me to the dance floor to change the subject.

And just for the record, that night the Tibetan guy tried to pick me up (he wouldn't let me order a glass of water, only alcohol), I had been to an office party dinner and another bar beforehand, and had even more ounce for ounce of Tanqueray gin and Ketel One vodka than I had of the Polska last night. I was still standing by the end of the night and perfectly lucid, ready to debate anyone under the table, about politics, religion, etc. No hangover the next day either.